


For You, A Thousand Times Over

by locksmithej



Category: ITZY (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/F, Fate, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:08:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29412435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/locksmithej/pseuds/locksmithej
Summary: Yeji, recently coming from a bad break up, comes home for vacation after a year of studying overseas. She meets Ryujin on a fateful day and immediately knew she would have had her heart breaking, a couple times, a hundred times, and maybe even a thousand times over.
Relationships: Choi Jisu | Lia/Shin Ryujin, Choi Jisu | Lia/Shin Yuna, Hwang Yeji/Shin Ryujin
Comments: 1
Kudos: 10





	1. kinda knew you were the one

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this last year, and this is also on the W app. Just figured why not post it here too? Hehe. Hope you enjoy!

_Last call for passenger, Yeji Hwang, flight number J367 bound to Korea. The boarding gates are closing in 10 minutes._

It has been a year since she last visited home. She always felt conflicting emotions every time she had to travel back. It was either that heart wrenching feeling that squeezes her heart blue with anxiety and nostalgia or that unbearable excitement and peace knowing she gets to start over again, that she gets to relive what it was like to feel the way she used to before having her heart broken.

Two years have passed since she first left home, and a year since she got her heart torn to pieces. From that crying mess missing university every couple days just to hang out with friends, heck, maybe even just to bawl her eyes out at the dorms, to finally being able to crack a genuine smile and a blissful laugh.

It wasn't much for anyone, but Yeji could have sworn she almost died crying over someone she was tirelessly chasing for months. In fact, she swears he's the greatest love she'll ever experience. The greatest guy, the greatest love, the greatest everything.

At 18, she kinda believed she knew everything about love.

Yeji grew from that relationship. It wasn't typically a "long-term" relationship. It lasted for 8 months at most but chased the guy for another year. Her having her heart broken lasted longer than her being in love but again, she swears it was the greatest thing to happen to her.

She remembered the day she broke up with him—messy text messages and her ex showing up at her front door trying to win her back. The thing is Yeji was the one who fell out of love. Yeji was the one who initiated the break up. She was 16 when they met, 17 when they dated, and 18-ish when they broke up.

She knew she was too young, and having to apply for college just right around the corner, Yeji knew she needed no distractions. She cut him off like nothing, blocked him on all social media and shut the door right in his face when he visited. She treated him bad, _bad_ but at that time, Yeji didn't even realize she was a conniving, selfish little bitch.

She was too good for everyone and _anyone._  
  


Yeji was smart, articulate, astute, and a little too full of herself and that was the entire reason she blamed herself for their breakup. She was a bitch but she wasn't heartless.

She remembers the day she realized maybe she shouldn't have broken up with him—texting her ex after three months, and realizing he has moved on. To make things worse (for Yeji), he _forgave_ her.

The thing about conniving, selfish little bitches who are too full of themselves, like Yeji, is when they realize they did someone wrong and the person they hurt find the heart to forgive them for everything they didn't even say sorry for is a _huge_ slap to their egos.

That was a big blow to Yeji's confidence when she realized she wasn't all _that_ for her ex to move on so quickly. She started to realize that her ex didn't do her wrong at all.

He treated her right—he treated her the best, but she was too blinded to realize it was her who was wrong. So she spent months trying to win him back, texting him every day, and saying sorry every chance she gets.

After five months of doing the same thing over and over again, it began to dawn on her that she lost someone who genuinely loved her for who she was. Never mind the bitchy attitude, he loved her for her.

He loved her even when she would suddenly disappear for days without contact. He loved her when she would throw curses at him during fights. He loved her even when she probably didn't feel the same. He loved her just because, and Yeji realized that she probably loved him. Probably.

Eight months into trying to win him back, and Yeji remembered what it was like to have her heart screaming in pain.

She knew she didn't love him the way he did and that's why it hurt. Again, she was a bitch but she wasn't heartless. He didn't deserve the way she treated him and she knew that. Behind Yeji's petrifying persona is really just a softie who hated hurting people.

She hated the way she'd say things that are not supposed to come out of her mouth but effortlessly roll out of her tongue. She hates the way she hurts people unintentionally with the way she is. She hates the way she can't express herself truthfully and say nice things like other people do. She hates the way she pretends to love herself so much she _had_ to be better than everyone and anyone.

Eight months into it and she finally knew she was wrong, _wrong._

She hated it more.

She hated that she hurt him when all he wanted to do was love her. She hated that she didn't love him the way he loved her back. She hated that he forgave her and chose to see the good in all the bad that she is—that's when she realized. She was crying of guilt, and of having to say sorry for being the way that she is.

She couldn't even forgive herself so how could he forgive her?

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry about everything. Tell me, is there really no going back anymore?" Yeji texted with water-filled tear ducts threatening to escape into full blown water streams.

"Yeji, _love_ , I forgive you. You know that. Everything's okay now and maybe you should be okay with it too." Yeji read the reply, and maybe it was the way he called her "love" in the most endearing way or maybe it was the way he still tried to not hurt her even when he was rejecting her but it made Yeji cry more.

_How could he still have so much love in his heart_ , Yeji thought.

The thing about break ups is that it's harder to move on when you are the one who does the leaving and not the one being left behind. It's easier to ask questions and blame the entire universe about why someone left you, but when you're the one making the decisions, all you are left with is your bad choices and yourself.

Yeji realized this. She couldn't even dare to be hurt because it was all her fault in the first place. So maybe she deserved it, the agonizing pain, the sleepless nights, the heart-sinking, stomach-churning feeling before your eyes water, the guilt, and the self-loathing.

Eleven months into it, and Yeji realized she needed it.

She needed the break up.

She needed the agonizing pain.

She needed to realize she really wasn't _all_ that.

She needed everything to assess herself and put her feet back on the ground. She was the best in everything, but not at love. She learned that the hard way. She was feeling okay now. She accepted that certain things had to fall out for better things to fall into place. She was finally okay. No crying mess every few hours, days and even weeks.

After all that has happened, one thing Yeji realized is that she never wants to feel that way ever again.

Twelve months after the break up and she's finally coming home. Back to where she met and broke up with her ex.

\---

It was a weird feeling, stepping foot on her homeland for the first time in a year.

She remembers crying ugly tears when her parents drove her to the airport. She was never away from them and that was the first time she'd ever have to be away for more than three days.

Yeji's face lit up when she got out of immigration gates and saw her mom waving at her with a smile on her face. She ran giddily and hugged her immediately, "I missed you so much!" Yeji exclaimed in between giggles.

"I missed you too, baby." Her mom retorted back, "Hurry up, Dad's waiting in the car. He was so excited for you to come home he drove us here three hours early because he didn't want you to wait." Her mom explained whilst dragging Yeji's second suitcase.

Yeji followed her into the parking lot and got situated inside the car,

"God, I missed our car so much. I missed the streets and especially the food! I had to live off ramen noodles for a month at one point." Yeji ranted.

"I got you your favorite food ready back home. Your mom kept insisting we go later than your arrival schedule. She didn't take into account we still had to feed you your favorites! And the stores close at 11 p.m, your flight's at 2:30 a.m! I had to do what I had to do." Her dad retorted back, looking at Yeji and her mom in between.

Yeji laughed at how excited her dad sounded when he was trying to tease her mom.

She knew her mom was just as excited as he was. She knew this because when she finally arrived at home, she saw mountains of her favorite home cooked dishes all laid out on their dining table with her mom just dismissing it as, "There's food in kitchen if you want to eat."

Yeji smiled, and felt a tug on her heart.

She is finally home.

All the anxiety she felt on the plane was all gone now. She took a bite from her food and felt tears threaten to escape from her eyes. A year isn't a lot for everyone but for Yeji who loves her family with all her heart, it was depressing to be away from home.

She forgot how home cooked dishes tasted like, she forgot what laughters inside a room sounded like, and she forgot what it was like to be taken care of.

By this time, she was full blown crying while shoving food inside her mouth. It was a weird sight to see in anyone's point of view but Yeji's heart was so full she had to let the tears out.

After she had finally finished eating, _and crying_ , she logged into her social media accounts and tweeted, "Touch down, Seoul!"

Weirdly enough, it always felt mandatory to tweet that you finally arrived at a certain destination, but Seoul wasn't just any destination she had to tweet.

She had to let her friends know that the _baddest_ bitch is back in town.

She didn't tell anyone she was coming home, not even her closest friends. She wanted to surprise them and Yeji, being a loudmouth, couldn't contain her excitement any longer and had to spoil it by tweeting a very cliche post.

Not long after _,_ her friends started bombarding replies along the lines of, "Oh my god, you didn't even tell me?", "WHAT? You were in New Zealand just hours since we last talked!" and, "Bitch, you better show your face tomorrow or I'm dragging your ass out of your house first thing in the morning."

To say Yeji was amused by the replies she got was an understatement. She enjoyed, a little too much at that, the way her friends freaked out. She didn't reply though, she wanted to keep the mystery.

One thing that caught her eye was a certain person who liked her tweet. "Okay. Speak of the devil," Yeji thought.

In between the later months of her trying to move on from the heartbreak she was experiencing, she busied herself with movies, mountains of netflix series, and collecting _crushes._ Having cute little crushes over random strangers isn't going to hurt her, it was just something to distract and fuel her romance-deprived heart, and there was this one person that piqued her interest.

In fact, she actually knew who this person was.

Their community neighbourhood back home was close-knit that everyone basically knew everyone. The reason this person caught her attention was along the lines of her trying to get back together with her ex, him telling her it's over, and her ex actually having the audacity to say,

"You know what, you and Ryujin would go well together." Imagine the face Yeji had on when that was the reply she got. She was trying to get back together with her ex, not try to seduce his best friend.

A few months after that incident and Yeji got a notification that this "Ryujin Shin" started following her on twitter. It was weird because somehow, someway, Yeji felt like she has been waiting for it to happen. It was like a, "Took you long enough," at the back of her mind.

Weeks into her binge-watching addiction and Yeji started watching Game of Thrones. Her twitter timeline was basically just her spoiling everything for everyone, with "Fucking Joffrey, I'd wish you'd die already", "KHALEESI! I LOVE YOU" or "Valar Morghulis, Valar Dohaeris". Choose your pick, Yeji probably already ranted or fangirl-ed over it.

One thing that bothered her through this "GoT fiasco" she had going on was that a certain Ryujin Shin would constantly like her tweets. Sometimes just one, and sometimes it would seem like she had gone on a liking spree with all the notifications Yeji was receiving.

Yeji felt oddly weird about this. Well, she knew Ryujin was a huge fan of GoT but it still somehow made her feel, validated, appreciated… giddy? At least something, that Ryujin agreed with her rants–or so she assumes because Ryujin would never fail to like a tweet that was related to the series.

Yeji would also automatically like whatever Ryujin tweets, as long as it's within the bounds of their imaginary-GoT-twitter-friendship. It even came to point in where Yeji would tweet about GoT just so Ryujin would notice it.

It felt like achieving something, like receiving a star in kindergarten, or getting an A on an essay you copy-pasted online whenever Ryujin would reciprocate whatever this liking-your-tweet-as-long-as-its-GoT-related frenzy they had going on.

This went on for months until Yeji finally had to courage to reply to one of Ryujin's tweets,

"Episode five was so fucking crazy. The way Khaleesi was on fire as the whole building burned to crisps was craaaaazy." Ryujin tweeted.

Yeji saw this as a perfect opportunity to test and put these crazy liking sprees into "maybe" sliding in the DMs, so Yeji replied with,

"I know right, that episode so fucking lit!" With anxiety looming over her, and her probably re-reading the eight worded sentence a hundred times, she closed her eyes and blindly pressed the reply button.

To say Yeji was nervous was an understatement, she was practically dying and was counting seconds before her death. She didn't know how Ryujin would react, heck, she didn't even know why she was so nervous. They both knew each other because they were in the same neighbourhood.

Also, she was her best friend's ex so there's also that, but maybe the months of Ryujin constantly popping in her notifications made Yeji a little delusional that they had a little something going on.

Yeji didn't _like_ her in that way, not even the slightest crush but somehow, every time she'd see Ryujin's username in her notifications, it would make her feel _something_ she can't explain. So, minutes after sending the reply, and Yeji practically hyperventilating, she heard the oh-so-familiar "ting" which would signal that Ryujin must have replied or something.

Yeji quickly retracted her phone from her side table, and shakingly clicked on the notifications bar.

**Ryujin** liked your reply

Yeji waited a couple more minutes, and more.. and more. She pulled down on her thumb and refreshed the timeline.

**Ryujin** liked your reply

"That's it? That's fucking it?" Yeji shouted in disbelief. She was actually a little bit annoyed, and mad, and embarrassed, and annoyed again. She couldn't believe that this Ryujin Shin can't even bother typing a reply.

An, "Agreed." would suffice, at least something. Maybe even a single dot would be okay, but just another like?

Another. Fucking. Like. That's it. Yeji thought.

Nope. This Ryujin Shin can't even, for the love of God, type something in response when they obviously had to be "friends" or at least "GoT friends" over the past months of reciprocating each other's tweet likes.

That's when Yeji's peculiar interest in Ryujin Shin ended. Yeji Hwang never reaches out to anyone, and her ex was an exception. Yeji didn't particularly have any ill feelings towards Ryujin but she probably has a huge red X on her face whenever Yeji thought of her. She wasn't hurt, but she was surely shocked.

If she didn't want to be friends, fine. The Yeji Hwang isn't going to like, reply, or glance at your tweets.

So when Ryujin suddenly popped in her notifications after her tweeting that she finally arrived in Seoul, Yeji felt weird for the nth time.

First, this wasn't GoT related at all.

Second, they are literally just a few kilometers away.

Third, if Yeji were to show her face tomorrow at the homecoming, Ryujin would definitely be there.

Fourth, "How dare she like my tweet again." Yeji thought.

Yeji soon dismissed this feeling, but it was gnawing at her at the back of her mind. She practically had no choice but to go to tomorrow's homecoming.

\---

First thing Yeji did in the morning was contemplate whether meeting her friends was worth sacrificing her sleep for. She didn't get much and the jet lag from an almost 13-hour flight from New Zealand to Seoul wasn't helping at all. She got up, got her shower essentials and proceeded to take a bath.

Second thing Yeji did in the morning was contemplate whether meeting her friends was worth dying of hypothermia for. The heater just broke down, and it's either death or showing up after a year looking like shit and smelling like shit. The way Yeji seriously contemplated about this was worrying to say the least.

Yeji hustled through showering, and readying herself because she forgot to turn the air conditioner off before going to the bathroom, and now her dying of hypothermia isn't much to be contemplating about. It's soon reality, and she might never see her friends after this.

She quickly grabbed a quick brunch. She woke up late, almost froze to death, and she wasn't going to starve to death either. Yeji walked to homecoming as the venue was just a few kilometers away from her house.

With her airpods on full blast, she was by the entrance in no time. She saw a familiar face and asked for directions quickly,

"Hi! Do you know where Yuna and the others are?" The guy gave her a brief answer. Yeji speed walked to the venue, she started feeling excited, giddy and euphoric.

She hasn't seen them in a year. She knows she brushed it off last night but the thought of seeing her friends actually now a reality, and just a few steps away from physically being with them, Yeji had her smile plastered all over her face. With her chubby cheeks slightly tinted rosy pink, and a single hair clip keeping one side of her face "hair-free", Yeji could pass off as Kirby.

Yeji was by the door of a separate room Yuna and their squad stayed at. They were waiting for Yeji before proceeding to the venue. She was nervous, excited, and her hands were trembling from glee.

Yeji took a deep breath and knocked before opening the door.

As soon as she opened the door, her eyes were quickly caught by a very familiar face and an unfamiliar set of eyes. As cliche as this sounds, time did seem to slow down for Yeji. She stared at her face, and she stared back at hers too.

It felt like they were in the same situation they were originally in except they were basically face-to-face now and were reciprocating stares instead of tweet likes.

She knew her and yet, she also didn't. She was familiar, but at the same time, she wasn't. Yeji lost track of time for a moment. She forgot where they were, what she was doing, and why she was here in the first place.

She was looking at Ryujin Shin.

She could have sworn the girl she was looking at was saying something. She didn't open her mouth, but somehow she heard it. The moment felt like a minute when it was barely a second. Ryujin was the first person to look away. With Yuna tackling Yeji into a hug, she was left in a daze.

She heard the way Ryujin didn't even speak, but her heart telling her, "You're gonna have it _bad_."

It tugged the strings on her heart.

It's weird because Yeji didn't believe in love at first sight, and she _still_ didn't believe in love at first sight, but maybe it was the way she made her feel _something_ whenever she liked her tweets, maybe it was the way she always looked forward to Ryujin in her notifications, maybe it was the moment her ex mentioned her and Ryujin going well together, or maybe, just maybe, it was the way they looked at each other for a second too long but Yeji knew.

Yeji knew if she could have her heart broken again, she'd rather have it breaking for her.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. eyes

"Yeji!" Yuna called out to her. It snapped her right back into reality. She really did lose track of time for a moment.

"Hi," Yeji replied back while returning the younger girl's embrace. Yuna's hold on the cat-faced girl grew tighter. Yeji knew something was wrong. The younger girl buried her face into the silver-haired girl's shoulder, "I missed you, man."

"I missed you too, dude." The blond whispered, "What's wrong?" She had to ask. Yuna was now pushing her back, away from the crowd, away from the room they were in and into the room adjacent to her. Yeji wasn't even able to digest what was happening.

First, she saw Ryujin Shin in flesh.

Second, they stared at each other for an uncomfortable amount of time, for Yeji at least. Time is relative, she thought. It might barely just be a second but she swears it felt like she grew white hairs, _she was already silver-haired to begin with_ , for how intensely they were returning each other's gazes.

Third, she wasn't even able to make out who the people inside the room were. There had to be at least 5 people inside, including her best friend and the girl she just shared the most intense moment of her life with,

and **fourth** , Yuna was now crying.

"What?" Yeji asked, "What?" Yeji asked the second time. "We broke up." The person of interest replied after much hesitation. The older girl didn't see it the first time but Yuna was now shedding tears.

_That couldn't be_ , Yeji thought.

Yuna and her girlfriend were together for almost five years, and Yeji was there since day negative sixty. She was the first person to witness her best friend take interest in her now current girlfriend-turned-ex-girlfriend.

She helped Yuna _woo_ the girl. She jumped in on whatever shenanigans her best friend thought of just for the girl to notice her—even if it meant risking getting caught in school writing love quotes on sticky notes, and sneaking into unauthorized rooms just to put love letters in the girl's desk.

Yes, Yuna dated their teacher in high school, and no, they weren't twenty years apart. Her soon-to-be girlfriend at that moment was only in her twenties when she graduated from university. She knew her best friend would fall head over heels the moment the new teacher entered their room in 11th grade. The look on Yuna's face could be seen from a mile away—like how someone looks at puppy for the first time; tender, sweet

Funny thing was it took Yuna three excruciating months of embarrassing herself countless times, including Yeji, to finally _get_ the girl. She was always included in Yuna's plans. If the latter fails, so does Yeji. If she does something stupid, Yeji was probably just right behind her. If she embarrasses herself, even if she and her were miles apart, Yeji would probably hear of the things she did hours later hence, second-hand embarrassment became the older girl's middle name.

Yeji was always included.

Whenever Yuna and her girlfriend had misunderstandings, Yeji always knew first hand. Of course, it's Yuna. Her best friend and one of her best- _est_ friends. They always confided in each other whether it meant sudden 2 a.m. visits at each other's houses with tears in their eyes and snot dripping down their noses or at 8 p.m. with either's favorite food, and their favorite chick flick already paused at the T.V waiting for each other to break whatever news was up for the day.

So, when Yuna broke the news that she and her half a decade girlfriend broke up, this also broke Yeji's heart into little pieces because Yeji was _always included_. It hurt when Yuna was hurt. She felt happy when Yuna was happy. They're like peas in a pod, the peanut butter to jelly, and the king to the kong.

"How? Why?" The cat-faced blond asked.

"I don't know," Yuna answered back. "You know we always fight. Especially now that she's far away from me, things are just a lot more complicated." The younger girl sighed in frustration. She has her hands balled into fists now.

"It felt like she just suddenly doesn't understand that we're doing this for _our_ future, together." The crying girl explained further. She and her girlfriend are currently in a long distance relationship.

Her lover flew to Hawaii to take up her Master's degree after being scouted at an international conference for her outstanding undergraduate thesis.

Yuna understood that Jisu is very career oriented, to an alarming extent even, but her girlfriend always took the time to make sure that she is always part of her plans, even from miles away.

That is what broke the younger girl's heart in the first place. Jisu suddenly stopped talking about them, and her stories gradually turned into _hers_ only—about where she'd want to travel after finishing university in Hawaii, where she'd want to settle after getting a job, and when she'd get _married_.

Yuna knew she was too young to think about marrying. Sure, she was three years younger which probably meant there was a chunk of difference between their life experiences, but she doesn't think like her age—she was far more matured, more wise and more capable.

She never admitted this to herself, but at the back of her mind was a gnawing insecurity slowly, silently and gradually knocking at her pseudo-stable confidence. She was conscious of how her age was always an issue to most people, and sadly, even to her girlfriend.

The moment Yuna was able to grasp the idea of existing, her soon-to-be-girlfriend-after-fifteen-years was probably out there coloring books outside the line and eating sand from the daycare's playground.

When Yuna was finally able to hold a two-way conversation with adults, in between hiccups and her childhood lisp, Jisu was probably out there giving mini classroom speeches and getting voted as the second grade muse.

It frustrated Yuna to great depths, and it was probably just her being in denial, but she disliked how Jisu was always a step ahead.

A step ahead in getting born, another step ahead in finishing school, three steps ahead in cementing a career, and a hundred thousand steps ahead and away from her.

And this break up felt exactly like that to Yuna. It felt like Jisu was just somehow _over_ it and the younger girl wasn't able to catch up quick enough to know that the former was moving on to the next chapter of their—no, of her life.

Jisu felt like a dream she was always running to reach, to catch, to hold but was always a second, a minute, a hair too late.

"What did she say?", the cat-faced blond asked in between Yuna's sniffles. "That I'm too young to understand..", the younger sniffled once, "too childish...", she sniffled twice, "and that she loved me still, but not enough to sacrifice her dreams." She broke into wails.

"Aww, baby boo.." Yeji cooed, "Come here." She pulled the giant baby into her arms, running her fingers through her hair and patting her bum with the other. "There, there. It's gonna be okay... It will be okay."

They held that position for a while. The room was filled with silent cries that would suddenly get loud, occasional snorting, intense sniffling and the sound of Yeji's palm patting against the younger's back as she calmed her down.

A soft knock was heard on the door, "Hey..." One of her best friends, Chaeryeong, peeked slightly, "How is she?"

Yeji didn't answer but instead motioned Chaeryeong to enter the room. She made a gesture with her other hand, her two fingers running down her eyes and a pout signaling that the girl in her arms was still crying.

"Still?" The new recruit whispered, "She cried to me earlier but I knew she was just waiting for you so she could cry a little harder." She teased lightheartedly.

Yeji stifled a laugh, "Hey, I'm still in the room!" Yuna retorted with the heaviest nasal voice she could muster, traces of her cries still evident in her voice causing the girls to break into giggles.

"Our giant baby is all grown up now." Chaeryeong teased, "It felt like it was just yesterday when you fell in love, and now, our baby is experiencing her first heartbreak." she dramatically pouted. 

"Our babyyyy~" The two older girls simultaneously cooed with their fingers tickling Yuna's chin.

Yuna couldn't help but break a smile, "I know." her wide smile was now smug, "I know I'm cute so you can stop now."

"Only if you stop crying every hour," The other brunette teased, "Only if you stop wiping your snot all over my shirt," The silver-haired girl added.

The youngest among the three laughed, "Okay. I will stop!" She brushed her shirt off, sniffled for the last time, and wiped her remaining tears with the back of her hand. "Now will you please help me get up?"

Yeji and Chaeryeong grabbed each of the youngest girl's hands and pulled her up. "Sorry to burst the bubble earlier but we better get going now, everyone's rushing to the venue." Chaeryeong chirped.

"Right! Hyunjin and the others are performing an intermission number, " Yuna added, "They're performing first, I think. I don't wanna miss it so, let's hurry!"

"We would have been there already if a certain someone didn't need her diapers changed."

"Rude."

"It's a joke, Yuna."

"Rude times two."

Yeji smiled at the sight of her friends bickering, warmth and endearment plastered all over her face, "I missed this." She whispered more to herself than to the people in front of her.

I really am _home_ , she thought.

\---

The venue was bustling with crowds of familiar and unfamiliar faces. She could make out at least thirty people that she was acquainted with. Yeji never really liked crowds especially when paired with eardrum-busting music that she could barely hear what her friends were saying.

"Hey, Hyunjin texted me earlier," Chaeryeong called out in between the blasting thump of music that obviously drowned any chances of her and her friends understanding each other. " —they had our seats reserved in front."

"What?", Yeji responded, a volume louder. They could barely hear their own voices, "Sorry, the music is too loud."

"Our seats are in front," Yuna clarified, her face leaning closer to Yeji's ear, "We should probably go."

Yeji hustled her way through lines of bodies grooving to the beat of whatever was playing on the series of mounted speakers against the ceiling. She winced at the smell of alcohol being passed around—she was never really the drinker, even in university.

The music suddenly changed course, from EDM to a remix of popular pop songs. The vibration of the floor coming from the heavy bass being blasted slowly crept its way up to Yeji's own heartbeat, syncing with every drop and beat.

The lights around her suddenly dimmed, and a flash of light illuminated the stage in front of her. She was looking left and right, finding any traces of Chaeryeong and Yuna who were just beside her a few seconds ago. She fished her phone from her pocket and attempted to type a text when the crowd suddenly went crazy.

A few whistles, excited screams and the sound of hands clapping engulfed the room.

Hyunjin along with few others showed up on stage. She could make out at least three people dancing: Lisa, president of dancing club from 12th grade; Momo, notorious lunch-box eater from pre-school to graduation; and... _Ryujin._

"I didn't know she danced." She murmured to herself, a bit sarcastically and with a hint of interest.

A few songs in and her eyes were practically glued on a certain someone, especially when the music changed course from upbeat to.. sultry. 

She was mesmerized with the way Ryujin danced—her movements swift and perfectly in sync with the music. She wasn't even in front stage but in a sea of people, Yeji's eyes quickly darted and looked for her.

She admired her from a far; in between the screams, whistles, and music, Yeji felt like she was in a void. Her visioned tunneled. 

Her and Ryujin. 

They were the only ones in the room. Ryujin impeccably dancing to each beat as Yeji watches in awe. 

Her eyes were basically cemented on the raven haired girl as she dances—dipping forward and back with her left foot sliding across the slick floor in swift motion. Her body swayed in balletic control; tips of her fingers carefully following suit in lithe details of attempted perfection. Her hands combed through her hair in an effort to pull back strands that were sticking to her face and right there, Yeji caught a pair of doe-like eyes, fierce and dark, that pierced through her soul— speaking volumes and right through her heart.

It felt like tug of war, a rematch—whoever breaks sight first either loses or wins, but both were captivated by each other's gazes failing to look away, not for a second.

Eyes are windows to the soul, and Yeji felt like hers were out in the open—naked, bare, and vulnerable.

She was deeply conflicted; either the vibration from the hard-top floors rumbled so hard her subconscious had no choice but to _feel_ , or her heart literally did just skip a beat.

  
\---

The voices, cheers, and screams slowly died down; the previous music slowly drowning the hype that once engulfed the entire room. 

The phone on Yeji's hand suddenly vibrated as she receives a text from either Yuna or Chaeryeong,

"Hey, where are you?," Chaeryeong texted, "They just finished performing. did you miss it?"

She receives another text not long after, most like from Yuna.

"We're at the front tables, you suddenly disappeared earlier. :(" 

Ping.

"Are you lost? Hyunjin and the others said they're coming. Ryeongie went to the toilet real quick."

Ping.

"Yeji!!!! If you don't reply in 5 seconds, I'm gonna scream your name with my entire lungs here!" 

That signaled Yeji to reply quick, she didn't want to hear Yuna's screaming from a mile away, "I'm sorry! I got caught up in the middle of the crowd. I'm already walking." She texted back.

She rushed her way out of the crowd and near where the buffet was. Everyone was busy dancing in the middle floor her only chance of actually leaving the dance floor was slim to none if she didn't resort to sneaking into the buffet area. She was already picking up her pace when she felt someone pull on her left arm,

"Hey." 

Yeji jerks her head, and cranes her neck towards the direction of where she felt her arm being tugged and as if the world decided to drain her with all that she is, the person behind her spoke for the second time. 

"Hey.. again? Hi." He rubbed the back of his neck with his other hand, "It's been a long time. I didn't know you were coming."

It was Soobin. Her ex-boyfriend.

"..Hey." Yeji replied after much hesitation, "Yeah.. I just arrived last night."

"I didn't know you were coming back." Soobin's right hand was still gripping Yeji's wrist, "I thought I was seeing doubles when I saw a familiar face." The music wasn't as loud as before but it was still loud enough to interfere with Yeji's hearing.

"It's too loud here, care to come with me outside?" He suggested, "I saw Yuna and Chaeryeong earlier, I'll text to let them know we're together if that's okay."

"Sure." 

Soobin fished his pocket for his phone and proceeded to type something, "They said they'll be waiting for us, apparently most of them are already there."

He started walking towards the backdoor with Yeji following in silence. She really didn't have much to talk about, or rather she couldn't find any words to say to the former. The door clinked closed and awkward silence soon overrun the atmosphere.

"You didn't tell me you arrived last night," Soobin decided to break the ice.

"I tweeted about it last night." Yeji explained

"You blocked me."

"Right."

"Mhmm."

"So, how have you been?" He tried to keep the conversation last a little longer, "I missed you."

"Don't tell me that." She replied quick as if to block out any chance of whatever Soobin was saying from being true. "I'm already doing well if that's what you want to hear."

He heaved a sigh, "Yeji."

She didn't like it—the way her name effortlessly rolled out of his tongue. She didn't like how it sounded sweet, warm, and familiar. She didn't like the way Soobin sighed, knowing whatever is to come next would have her heart swelling at some point. She didn't have any left over feelings for Soobin, but seeing him up close after a year brought some nostalgic emotions back. It wasn't love, nor attraction but it was a sense of familiarity that she only felt with him. 

"I'm sorry I dragged you out here so suddenly." He explained in attempts to ease the growing tension around him and Yeji, "It's just that I thought we were over it." He carefully laid his words out in the open, careful enough not to put words into Yeji's mouth. "No. I know we're over it but, I just want us to get past it." He corrected himself quickly, knowing how the earlier statement must have sounded like for the girl in front of him.

"I am over it," Yeji states as a matter-of-fact, "I know I haven't been the best to you, and the way I'm acting right now probably gives you flashbacks from when I was such a bitch." She tried to ease into the conversation, the last thing she wants right now is to give Soobin an actual reason to hate her, "You have been so good to me.. I just find it awkward to have you face-to-face when the last time we saw each other was me slamming my front door right in your face."

Soobin just listened to what Yeji had to say. He knew better than to interrupt her from saying and actually expressing her emotions because honestly, this might just be the first time he hears her say things coming out of her heart. 

"I'm sorry for that, Soobin." Her voiced laced with honest remorse, "I know I said this a lot of times, from phone calls to texts but I have to say it here, with you in front of me for it to actually count." 

"I'm sorry, too." Soobin finally breaking his silence, and unlike Yeji, he didn't state whatever reasons he had for being apologetic. 

Yeji understood, in between Soobin's silence and brief reply, that he was sorry for not being good enough for her, for not being the one she ends up with, and for hurting her in ways he didn't mean to.

They stood there with their words out in the open, and in silence they found what they were yearning for— _forgiveness_.

Soobin took a few steps in and closed the gap between her and the cat-eyed girl, holding her in his embrace and drowned himself in her space, for the last time. The ultimatum of them being who they were before Yeji left, and the last remnants of it in between the tiny atoms separating what they physically can't bridge.

They stood there like that for quite a while basking in the last moments and failing to hear the subtle cranking of the door handle.

With a loud clank, the door swung open and there she caught her eyes for the third time that day—a set deep hazel orbs boring into her own and this time, a bit more familiar than the last.

With the raven-haired girl breaking the silence, "Uh, sorry, I didn't know you two were together." She diverted her gaze from the girl in between his best friend's arms to the latter. "Hyunjin said to come get you, they're waiting inside." Her voice cold, as if ice crystals would form from the way she breathed those last words out.

"Oh hey, Ryujin." Soobin acknowledged her presence, "Sorry, mate. I got caught up."

"I can see that." Soobin laughed, dryly. He knows Ryujin is never really fond of hide and seek. "I'm going now so, you might want wrap this up. You don't want Hyunjin teasing the shit out of you." Ryujin bid her last words and turned on her heel towards the backdoor. 

"Wait up!" Soobin exclaimed, "We better get going, the last thing we want is us being the center topic by the time we arrive."

Yeji smiled at his words. She knew how annoying Yuna and Chaeryeong could be, "I know. Race you there?"

"I bet breakfast on that."

"Deal."

\---

Yeji was obviously the last one to arrive, and with the remaining seat being opposite Ryujin's, she was feeling embarrassed the whole time. The raven-haired girl just walked in on her and her ex in the middle of... quite an intimate situation. With the cluttering of silver-ware, the murmurs of the group engaging in conversations, she and Ryujin were the only ones keeping mum.

They never really even talked before and the way the raven-haired girl failed to acknowledge her presence during the earlier incident, she really wasn't sure what to make out of Ryujin's personality.

There were quite a few times where Yeji would purposely try to catch her attention by indirectly mentioning something they have in common with, like "Yuna, have you watched the latest GoT episode?" but to utter failure, Ryujin would just eat whatever is on her plate, and reply indirectly as if she never heard anything by saying, "Damn, last night's episode was crazy, right? Yuna?"

Yeji didn't understand why it felt like there's a huge invisible wall between them. She felt sorry that Yuna had to be on the receiving end of whatever she and Ryujin failed to tell each other. 

She didn't really get why Ryujin would always make her feel like they never really know each other at all. I mean, sure, they never talked in person and this was the first time they were ever really in the same space, but what about the obvious tension between them?

"Ryujin, you lost weight." Chaeryeong pointed out, "You must have been practicing so hard for the past months."

"She's been losing weight each year," Soobin added, "I bet she'll practically be emaciated by next year." He snorted a laugh and Ryujin just glared at him. 

"You'll be shocked by how much I actually eat!" Ryujin defended herself, "Idk, I must have worms inside me." Yeji saw this as a perfect opportunity to engage in the conversation. The topic was lighthearted and everyone seemed to be enjoying teasing Ryujin.

"Right. I also noticed that, Ryujin," Yeji started, "You lost a lot of weight compared to the pictures I saw of you online."

Chomp. Chomp.

Ryujin, instead of paying attention to what Yeji had to say, stuffed her face with food instead and as if she didn't hear anything for the nth time that day, she heaved a sigh, "I can't finish this." in between bites and food swallowing.

_Wow. Un-fucking-believable._ Yeji thought. "Fine," she whispered to herself.

The exchange of indirect replies continued on, and the abundance of eye stares earlier ironically came back tenfold because Ryujin never spared her a single glance for the rest of the day.


	3. candied smile

She wished she hadn't opened her mouth for the 100th time that night. 

The amount of deafening silence which _peculiarly_ was only directed at her by a certain raven haired girl was mortifying at best. Yeji had to constantly remind herself that her mom and dad raised her with dignity, modesty, and honor—Yes, she was Yeji Hwang. The Yeji Hwang. 

"What took the both of you so long to get here by the way?" Yuna started the conversation with a hint of ambiguity. "Chae and I were worried sick until Soobin texted me."

"I was actually more _worried_ when Soobin texted," Chaeryeong laughed, "The last time I saw the both of you in the same room was not exactly something I would want to remember."

"Right. You two weren't exactly... fri--" Yuna's comment was cut off by a cough that was a little too loud coming from across the table.

"Sorry. I choked." The raven haired girl explained, which only earned her a glaring spotlight from everyone around the table. "What? I really choked."

She peered at the girl in front of her while she was busy coughing out whatever that was that "choked" her, "Oh right, I was worried too, Soobin, when you suddenly didn't show up." She snickered silently as she tore her gaze away from the blonde and redirected her attention to her best friend, "You didn't tell me you got yourself a new, oh wait, _renewed_ girlfriend." 

The look on Yeji's face when she heard every single word that rolled out of her mouth was appalling; her eyebrows were practically glued together in horror and her cheeks flush as ripe tomatoes. If she wasn't embarrassed from all the ignoring she had received from the previous encounters, this one takes the cake. 

Her feline eyes quickly darted to the girl in front of her as she silently prayed to the gods above and below for divine intervention and mercy. She heard a muffled thud from under the table, and a painful grunt from the short-haired girl shortly followed.

"Come on. We just had some things to talk about, privately of course." Soobin chuckled lightly, "Right, Ryujin?" He sneered at his best friend earning the latter another kick. 

Ryujin flashed a tight smile, "What I saw wasn't talking though." She whispered to no one.

Yeji on the other hand just nervously laughed the topic off, "You and Chaeryeong left me. I would have gotten lost if Soobin didn't see me basically wandering in circles." She added,

Everyone from the table shared laughs and chuckles, "You're too serious! It was just teasing." Hyunjin explained,

"We thought this day would never come where we'd all be in the same table again without you trying to kill Soobin with every chance you get," Chaeryeong reminisced. It's true because the last time both groups were together peacefully was 6 months before the couple broke up.

They weren't exactly close knit friends from the beginning. Yeji was closest to both Yuna and Chaeryeong. Soobin on the other hand basically grew up with Ryujin, and they soon met Hyunjin in pre-school. 

They all got acquainted when Soobin introduced Yeji to his group of friends when they officially got together, except that fateful day was also the day Ryujin chose suffer from a flu. They never really had a chance to hang out and if they did, Yeji barely noticed the raven haired girl or they were at the farthest corners of the room.

Long story short: they all shared the same crazy which led to the formation of _power puff girls and the three idiots_ , as they call themselves.

"You'll never know, I might have just tried to murder him earlier." Yeji shoot out in wit,

She took this segue as a sign to excuse herself to the toilet. She couldn't bear another second being near the monstrosity that is of Shin Ryujin. She didn't understand the way the latter acted around her. The last time she remembered they never even had a proper two-way conversation in all history of knowing each other. 

She quickly fetched her handbag from the side, and excused herself from the gathering. She found her way to the sink, washed her hands as soon as she arrived, and set her makeup pouch on the small space away from the wet marble. 

She let her hair loose from being tied up in a loose top head bun all day, and splashed a little bit of water in her face. She wasn't in her A-game the whole day and she blamed it on the fact that seeing Ryujin after months of speculation caught her off guard. Sure, there were quite a few times when her heart fluttered, but that doesn't mean she will tolerate the times the raven haired girl didn't bother giving out the same energy as she did.

The only explanation Yeji came up with was that the latter just didn't like her or that she must have done something in the past for her to not like her. She tried to be friendly, then to be civil and the next thing she knows, Ryujin comes up and says nothing or everything at all.

She breathes in deep, obvious frustration painted in her face. "I will never let myself be near her again," She exhales, "I'm never looking at her again." She inhales deep the second time, "I'm never tweeting about whatever she likes again," She exhales slow, " I'm never talking to her ever aga—"

"Who?" A familiar voice cut through the isolated confessions coming out of the cat-faced girl. "You seem to hate whoever that is with passion."

Yeji's fingertips ran cold and slow crept it's way to her arms, then to her ears, and then she felt it all throughout. She looked like a deer caught in headlights, except she was professing her thoughts in the most rattling way possible. She couldn't even dare mutter a single word after getting caught propagating... hate speech.

She caught the same familiar set of eyes through the mirror, and as if the gods decided to play with her all over again, Ryujin spoke for the second time. "Who are you never talking to, again?" 

She took a step closer, "Never looking at who, again?" Two steps forward, "Tweeting about who?" Ryujin took the spot beside her, "Never near who, again?"

Yeji mentally wrote her last will and testament; Hongsam, all the remaining dog treats will be yours. Insam, take care of mom and dad for me. Mom, please don't look at my twitter diary. Dad, I lived a good life and thank you for always buying me my favorite snacks. 

"No one. I was just practicing a piece." Yeji wished she could have slapped herself right now.

"It sounded like it was directed at me," Ryujin hopped on the bar sink, "I didn't mean what I said earlier." She muttered low

"Said what?" Yeji not daring to look at the latter fished her phone from her handbag and decided to scroll through her apps in futile attempts of easing the awkwardness, "Which of the two syllables you muttered at the table are you sorry for?"

The raven haired girl sighed, "The thing about you and Soobin." She ran her fingers through her hair, and gazed at the blonde facing her, "You were practically kissing earlier." 

Yeji is appalled for the nth time that night and for a second, she felt pacified for the way Ryujin was handling the conversation until she decided to drop assumptions about her and Soobin. 

"Is that how you apologize?" Yeji finally returned her gaze, her hand still on her phone as if she was busy texting someone or anything at all, just to make everything seem casual on her side. "No, we weren't _kissing._ " 

_Inhale, Yeji. And what if she heard it? She deserved to hear it. Stupid Ryujin._

"I'm not apologizing." Ryujin retorted, "I just said I didn't mean it." Ryujin hopped off the bar, and proceeded to walk to the front door,

The cat-faced girl craned her neck in disbelief, "Really?" 

"Really." Ryujin returned, "Oh by the way, you've been holding your phone upside down." She pointed out before finally making her way out of the comfort room.

_Somebody shoot me right now._

\---

The night slowly crept its way to midnight and by no time, everyone was saying goodbyes. Yeji, on the other hand, has been mentally facepalming herself for the thousandth time that day. She has had her fair share of embarrassing moments, but the amount of times she caught herself slipping tonight comes out on top.

The moment she and the spawn of devil—yes, she has named Ryujin that, got back to the gathering, the raven haired girl acted like nothing happened at all. She was back to socializing with everyone else other than her. She kept the same static persona—bites of food here, a bit of teasing there, and a bountiful of goofy smiles directed at everyone else but her. 

There was a gnawing headache slowly thumping against the back of her skull; she blames it on the few shots of tequila shared across the table. Yeji mentioned it—that she was never really the drinker, only in social events where not drinking would deem you as the odd one out.

But that wasn't even entirely the reason why she decided to drown herself in alcohol— and by drown in Yeji's standards, that probably meant three to four shots of watered down liquor—she just thought it might be a good idea to let herself go, just for one night.

The experience wasn't exactly what she had expected—her head spun in abrupt directions, her cheeks were tinted red rose, and words were too quick to roll out of her tongue for her to stop them from going out of her mouth.

There were quite a few instances where she thought she caught the raven haired girl staring at her for an indefinite amount of time, but she thought it might just be the alcohol in her bloodstream finding its way into her head, and forcing her to believe the girl would even dare to spare her a glance. 

Yeji didn't understand, really—the way the other girl would act as if she was igniting purposeful frustration by deliberately pushing her buttons. 

The buttons were pushed for sure because by no time, the alcohol has done its job to kindle the tiny sparks in the older girl's subconscious and she slowly found herself taking two-step strides towards where the subject of her aggravation was standing—a raven haired girl in half tied ponytail, her chubby cheeks tinted ruby red, and those cherry lips she has been staring at all night.

_She's basically glowing red. I knew she was satanic._

She caught a whiff of the girl's distinct vanilla scent in between the strong stench of alcohol from both of their late night drinking. She staggered to keep her composure, the throbbing headache still gnawing at the back of her skull. She closed her eyes shut, and blinked the pain away. She didn't realize how tipsy she actually was until she came face to face with Ryujin, and the shorter girl returned her gaze with a puzzled look. 

"We didn't kiss." Yeji laid out, "We didn't kiss earlier." She tried again, as if saying that sentence a hundred times would somehow appease the devil in Ryujin. 

The shorter girl stared at her for a few more seconds, growing amused as Yeji tries to reason out again, "I told you! we really didn't ki—"

"You already told me earlier," Ryujin was entertained, "Are you gonna keep repeating that until I leave?"

Yeji stared at her, her head is throbbing. "Until you apologize."

"Why would I apologize?" Her cherry lips tug at one side, "Weren't you the one saying you'll never talk to me?"

The blond was then reminded of the things she said earlier, and her face were as flushed as it could get. She was two seconds away from just running away pretending she never did any of the things she is currently doing, but the liquid courage in her guts had her tongue slipping faster than she could process, "You're _really_ annoying." Her tongue rolled in between the R and L, and she didn't mean to drag the word two seconds too long.

She didn't mean it. She wasn't entirely annoyed at Ryujin. The Ryujin whom never took the formality to call her by her name, or to even ask her name at all. 

The girl on the receiving end had her eyes wide, "I'm annoying?" She scoffed in disbelief. 

"And really irritating." Her tongue got caught in between the consonants. She didn't mean that for the second time. "Why do you keep ignoring me?" That she probably meant. She was pushing her luck.

"You're drunk." Ryujin stated. 

"Apologize." 

"Drunk."

"I'm waiting."

"Only if you take back what you said," The shorter girl looked at her amused, "I'm counting."

"Which?" Ryujin's counting had her mind searching for fragments of her memories, her headache growing stronger by the minute.

"Guess." The raven haired girl had her smirk plastered all over her face, "One... Two..."

"You're not annoying." She said truthfully. She didn't get why she was trying so hard to have Ryujin apologize. She honestly didn't even care. 

She liked it. The way Ryujin looks at her straight in the eyes whenever she talks, or the way she wets her lips partially before saying something. 

She was fascinated by the way the younger talks in a calm manner, but her voice goes up a volume and her face scrunches whenever she says something a little too brave— like when her left eyebrow quirked upwards a little when she told her to apologize, and she questioned her need to follow her demands, or when her eyebrows furrowed together the moment she heard she was annoyed at her. 

Yeji was amused to have Ryujin reacting at the stupidest things she says. She liked it—having Ryujin's attention solely directed at her.

The raven haired girl couldn't help the sides of her mouth from tugging upwards, "Wrong answer,"

The taller girl couldn't help but trap air bubbles in between the side of her cheeks. This is becoming a habit. "You're not irritating?" It's more of a question than an answer.

Ryujin finally let out her pearly whites, and whisker dimples, "Wrong."

Yeji felt her insides churn, and twist. She felt her heart grow, and swell, and squeeze. She felt cold sweat trickling down her neck, then to her back and she felt her body burning in heat. She heard ringing in her ears, and she was finally stricken with fear. She was afraid.

It must be the alcohol. It must be the alcohol. It must be the alcohol.

But Yeji in between the tipsy spinning of her head, was sure she would answer everything Ryujin asked wrong if it meant getting another glimpse of her smile.

\---

Yeji feeling a little sobered up, found her way to Yuna and Chaeryeong's backyard porch. The two had been roommates ever since she left and moved to New Zealand.

The cold breeze was embracing her body in waves, but her cheeks still burnt and her body still stung. She has been thinking about whiskers. The ruffling of autumn leaves were melodic to her ears; she loved it because it meant winter was coming soon. She heard footsteps treading through the dried leaves and wet grass, and Yuna placed a cup of hot milk near the older girl. 

After seeing Yeji slowly form herself a unibrow, Yuna took the initiative to hold her hand in hers. "Hi,"

It took the cat eyed girl almost a full second to snap out of her trance and give her a response, " Hi," She flashed a tight-lipped smile, "Sorry, I didn't see you there."

"Sure." Yuna returned in sarcasm, "You could see me from a mile away," She laughed. She knew something was troubling her best friend. There were only quite a few instance where Yeji would be quiet— when she's mad, stressed, or hurt. Yuna was basically mentally playing eenie meenie trying to figure out which of the rare instances would be the culprit in tonight's occasion.

The girl with cat-like eyes returned her laugh, only dying out a second shorter than the younger's. This prompted the taller girl to finally ask, she would never want her to feel bad especially not after a big night like this, "Hey, did something happen?"

"Not really," Yeji's eyebrows started knitting into a single straight line again, "I know I shouldn't really think too much about it, but—" She stopped midway. She was having a mental debate whether to continue or brush her thoughts away all together. It took her a few seconds of contemplation until she felt the younger girl lean her head against her shoulder in an attempt to ease her worries. 

She felt thankful. Especially for the way Yuna always understood, and always chooses to understand that there are times where she feels like all the words from her mouth are jumbled into incoherent letters. Yeji was never really the kind to share her worries, because she was always the one asking people first. She takes pride in that—the way she can always tell when something's wrong.

She feels fulfilled too because most of the time, she knows what to say. She knows the right words, the right tone, the right things, but most of the time she fails to say the same to herself. So, she's thankful for the way Yuna takes the words from her mouth, and waits for her to be ready. 

The taller girl hums her a joyful tone, signalling the older girl that she was listening either way, "Am I a bad person?" Yeji lets out a long deep sigh and hung her head low. The younger girl cranes her head towards the blond's face and furrows her brows, "Who told you that?"

"No one," She confesses truthfully, or at least on the superficial side of things, it is true, "Really. It's just that I know I keep this bitch persona thing before I went to college," Yuna keeps her gaze on the girl beside her, not saying anything. She knows better than to interrupt Yeji's thoughts.

"Like, I wasn't really the best to Soobin." She shakes her head, and forces a sarcastic chuckle, "We _all_ know that," she says as a matter-of-factly, "And everyone, I mean, _everyone_ 's first impression of me is either scary, or a bitch-face."

Yuna stifles a laugh earning her a glare from the older girl, "I know." The younger girl confirms cautiously, "But— we all know you're technically just a teddy bear in human form." She cooes the cat-faced girl beside her. "You are good. People who don't know you like we do just misunderstand."

The older girl heaves another deep sigh, "It's just that sometimes I think I'm ruining potentially good relationships before it even starts because of the way I am." She traps air bubbles in between her cheeks and lets out a pout.

"Why?" Yuna gives her a curious look, "Do you like someone right now?" She asks with her doe-like eyes reflecting the midnight moonlight.

Yeji contemplates for a second, she sips the hot milk before exhaling steam.

"I wish." She flashes a soft smile, "I don't think I can ever feel for anyone again after what happened with the _ex._ " She confesses in naked truth, or at least half the truth.

This thought has bothered the latter for the longest time, especially after healing from her break up with Soobin. It's not that she doesn't think she will ever feel something for anyone, but most of the time, she contemplates whether she deserves the good in love at all. 

It's a conflicting emotion she thinks; craving for raw emotions yet shunning away from the slightest hint of possible connection.

The thing about broken relationships, Yeji thinks, is that you ultimately forget what it feels like to be in that situation in the first place. You forget the feeling of being in love, but ultimately know that you have loved. You forget feeling hurt, but remember being in pain.

Sometimes it feels so far fetched, like two worlds were separated from one and you only get to choose one reality. You either stay with what has been or move forward with what could be.

And Yeji wonders, all the time, day and night, what could be after this? She always shakes the thought away, but sometimes it gets overbearing and she gets stuck in a loop of thinking if she could ever love again, or at least if she even deserves to.

"I wish I could say otherwise or something better," Yuna lifted her head from the older girl's shoulder, and craned her neck to face the vast dark skyline, "But I also don't think I'll ever love again after Jisu." She bit the fleshy insides of her cheek in futile attempts of holding back her tears. 

Yuna believes this wholeheartedly. It could have been the remaining alcohol in her bloodstream, but somehow she still found ways to wring herself dry of tears. 

Yeji tightens her grip on Yuna's hand, "Ah—" She brushes the single drop of tear that escaped from the younger girl's left eye, "I made you cry again."

Yuna looked at the feline eyed girl beside her with red eyes, and tear filled ducts, "It really _hurts_ , unnie."

And Yeji's heart swelled for the second time that day. She is rattled with conflicting emotions; seeing Yuna cry of heartbreak just cemented her fears of getting hurt, or hurting somebody again, but at the same time she craved for the same emotion—to feel something so deeply it mends the pieces in your heart, or wreaks havoc when it decides to leave. 

She plants a soft kiss on top of the younger's crown, and she hums her a lullaby—her heart breaks with the way Yuna's cries were lyrics to her song, and her heart swells for the third time. 

She has been thinking of whiskers.


End file.
